Sunday, July 10, 2016

Fighting with Myself

Once in awhile I take the time to be transparent. I don't want to do this all the time as it gets to be exhausting not only in reading (you guys), but to writing it as well (me).

There are a number of life verses that I try to live by -

1 Corinthians 13:13 - So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

The verse that I have come to love as a believer is this:

Ephesians 2:8-9 -  for by grace you have been saved through faith.  And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.

But even in the midst of that, I find that the day-to-day struggle between how I want to be and how I am is a challenge.

I have mentioned this before, but it's something I choose to live help me gauge what my feelings are,  my attitude, my life.  I want to finish this race and hear the words of My Savior say to me, "Well done, my good and faithful servant."

εὖ ἀγαθός καί πιστός δοῦλος

Truly.  This needs to be my next tattoo, because it is something I long for...that I strive for...

I am so privileged to be a part of His plan.  I wake up every morning and fight with myself.  What is my job?  What am I doing here?  What does He want me to do?

And yet I struggle...I am's too much just to LIVE some days, much less do what you have asked me to do.  But I am not here in my own strength.  I am here in His.

Christ has no body but yours,
No hands, no feet on earth but yours,
Yours are the eyes with which he looks
Compassion on this world - St Teresa of Avila

I reflect on the time I've been in Honduras...been in Equatorial Guinea, Africa...and am humbled.  I am humbled to know that He has chosen ME to be a part of His plan.  I am such a small person in this grand plan of His.  I am "just a nurse" who loves His people, and follows obediently where He would have me go.

I won't deny that at times it seems all too much.  I long for the days of running water, air-conditioning, consistent electricity, and a soft place to lay my head at night free from mosquitoes, lizards, spiders, and any number of things that want to impede my healthy life.

But that's not what I'm here for...not in this season...I am here to follow Him as He guides me where He wants me to go.

The flesh is oh so weak.   But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.  Therefore I will boast more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. "  2 Corinthians 12:9 

And so I fight.  I fight for what I want...and I fight for what is right...and I fight for what He wants...

I fight with myself for "ten more minutes" of sleep; to not answer the calling of a neighbor when I just want to be by myself.  I fight for the balance between giving and receiving.  I fight with myself when I don't want to go to "one more" event that's in a language I don't understand, with a culture that is totally foreign to me, and where I have to be on my "A" game.

And so I fight.  I fight because it's something worth fighting for!  I know I won't always win - this battle against myself - but I will persevere none-the-less.  And in the end, I hope that at my funeral, someone will read these words and that they would apply to me:  "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." - 2 Timothy 4:7

1 comment:

Emilio Fernandez said...

Good morning, how are you?

My name is Emilio, I am a Spanish boy and I live in a town near to Madrid. I am a very interested person in knowing things so different as the culture, the way of life of the inhabitants of our planet, the fauna, the flora, and the landscapes of all the countries of the world etc. in summary, I am a person that enjoys traveling, learning and respecting people's diversity from all over the world.

I would love to travel and meet in person all the aspects above mentioned, but unfortunately as this is very expensive and my purchasing power is quite small, so I devised a way to travel with the imagination in every corner of our planet. A few years ago I started a collection of used stamps because through them, you can see pictures about fauna, flora, monuments, landscapes etc. from all the countries. As every day is more and more difficult to get stamps, some years ago I started a new collection in order to get traditional letters addressed to me in which my goal was to get at least 1 letter from each country in the world. This modest goal is feasible to reach in the most part of countries, but unfortunately, it is impossible to achieve in other various territories for several reasons, either because they are very small countries with very few population, either because they are countries at war, either because they are countries with extreme poverty or because for whatever reason the postal system is not functioning properly.

For all this, I would ask you one small favor:
Would you be so kind as to send me a letter by traditional mail from Equatorial Guinea? I understand perfectly that you think that your blog is not the appropriate place to ask this, and even, is very probably that you ignore my letter, but I would call your attention to the difficulty involved in getting a letter from that country, and also I don’t know anyone neither where to write in Equatorial Guinea in order to increase my collection. a letter for me is like a little souvenir, like if I have had visited that territory with my imagination and at same time, the arrival of the letters from a country is a sign of peace and normality and an original way to promote a country in the world. My postal address is the following one:

Emilio Fernandez Esteban
Avenida Juan de la Cierva, 44
28902 Getafe (Madrid)

If you wish, you can visit my blog where you can see the pictures of all the letters that I have received from whole World.

Finally, I would like to thank the attention given to this letter, and whether you can help me or not, I send my best wishes for peace, health and happiness for you, your family and all your dear beings.

Yours Sincerely

Emilio Fernandez